Black Sheep
Yes, that is me, I am officially the Black Sheep of my mother's side of the family.
You see, my grandmother died today and I feel numb.
Shall I start from the beginning, my dad was 60 in December and everyone gathered together for his birthday party which he organised himself. All were having a great time at the party, all that is until my aunts came over and started shouting and having a go at me because I hadn't taken the girls down to see my gran. I was a bit drunk(!) and took offence to this. I explained to them that with money being short we couldn't afford to go and see her. Weekends were now being spent by taking the girls to the park and other nearby free attractions. I also said that as my gran was at the time very weak and feeble and unsure who anyone was that I didn't want to scare them. I said when we'd saved some money, I would go down, me and Neb but that I wasn't taking my girls down. They took offence at this and were saying things like "Well my daughter took her new baby down" and "We'll give you the petrol money". To be honest, if I had been sober they'd have probaly got off with worse and now I would've turned and said to 1) well baby fine, but Bel is a sensitive 6 yo and 2) go on then. But I was drunk and worst of all I was sat with my dad's brothers and sisters, ( his sisters who I'd explained how skint we were in the loo) and they got assy and jumped into the conversation saying that making me feel like a charity case was a sure way of me not going down.
Since that night I have spoken to my aunts once (if that) and feel that they don't understand where I'm coming from. If truth be told I didn't really myself want to see my feeble, dying gran. I went to see my grandad (dad's dad) before he died and now all I can see when I think of him is him like that. Not him when I was growing up, not the man we had laughs with!
I don't like death - ever since my mum died, I can't face it. I can't watch funerals on tv (pretend or not!) and I just break up. I didn't like seeing my dad at the funeral of his dad and I tried my best to be brave for him.
I suppose it makes things worse becuase she was my mum's mum. If mum was still alive this argument wouldn't have lasted so long. I know that but I don't know how to get out of it now. I'm stubborn and now scared.
She's died and yet I don't feel sadness. I feel she has been released and is hopefully reunited with her daugher.
But I know that I now will have to venture to the funeral. But do I dare. Will they hate me. I hate me. We could've probaly visited before now but we haven't. I don't know what to say, how to behave. I've dug myself this hole and now I'm stuck in the bottom of it with no way out.
The only thing I've got is that my dad understands the situation. He understands whats happened - I explained everything to him on Thursday and he was going to find out what my aunts feelings were before now. But he didn't and now I'm a black sheep in limbo.
BNMx
You see, my grandmother died today and I feel numb.
Shall I start from the beginning, my dad was 60 in December and everyone gathered together for his birthday party which he organised himself. All were having a great time at the party, all that is until my aunts came over and started shouting and having a go at me because I hadn't taken the girls down to see my gran. I was a bit drunk(!) and took offence to this. I explained to them that with money being short we couldn't afford to go and see her. Weekends were now being spent by taking the girls to the park and other nearby free attractions. I also said that as my gran was at the time very weak and feeble and unsure who anyone was that I didn't want to scare them. I said when we'd saved some money, I would go down, me and Neb but that I wasn't taking my girls down. They took offence at this and were saying things like "Well my daughter took her new baby down" and "We'll give you the petrol money". To be honest, if I had been sober they'd have probaly got off with worse and now I would've turned and said to 1) well baby fine, but Bel is a sensitive 6 yo and 2) go on then. But I was drunk and worst of all I was sat with my dad's brothers and sisters, ( his sisters who I'd explained how skint we were in the loo) and they got assy and jumped into the conversation saying that making me feel like a charity case was a sure way of me not going down.
Since that night I have spoken to my aunts once (if that) and feel that they don't understand where I'm coming from. If truth be told I didn't really myself want to see my feeble, dying gran. I went to see my grandad (dad's dad) before he died and now all I can see when I think of him is him like that. Not him when I was growing up, not the man we had laughs with!
I don't like death - ever since my mum died, I can't face it. I can't watch funerals on tv (pretend or not!) and I just break up. I didn't like seeing my dad at the funeral of his dad and I tried my best to be brave for him.
I suppose it makes things worse becuase she was my mum's mum. If mum was still alive this argument wouldn't have lasted so long. I know that but I don't know how to get out of it now. I'm stubborn and now scared.
She's died and yet I don't feel sadness. I feel she has been released and is hopefully reunited with her daugher.
But I know that I now will have to venture to the funeral. But do I dare. Will they hate me. I hate me. We could've probaly visited before now but we haven't. I don't know what to say, how to behave. I've dug myself this hole and now I'm stuck in the bottom of it with no way out.
The only thing I've got is that my dad understands the situation. He understands whats happened - I explained everything to him on Thursday and he was going to find out what my aunts feelings were before now. But he didn't and now I'm a black sheep in limbo.
BNMx
I am sorry for your loss, but people need to realise that everyone deals with ill health and inpending death in their own unique ay. DOnt feel bad about it. I too hope your Gran has found peace
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss x
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss. Other people need to realize that people may deal with illness and death differently than they do - and that doesn't make it wrong. I feel sure that your grandmother is at peace and understands it all - and that's all that matters. xx
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss. Don't mind what they think. X
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry too for your loss. I don't really know how to write this eloquently but I'm not surprised you don't like death after your mum died. My mum herself didn't go to her mum's funeral, as she was too upset. And don't beat yourself up about not feeling sad at your grandmother's death. Death is part of life and when people die after (one hopes) a long and happy and fulfilling life, then that is how it is supposed to be. I hope they stop taking their upset out on you, and you get this resolved. Or just be happy yourself that you did what you felt was right. This isn't really coming out well, hope you understand what I mean!-HMx
ReplyDeleteGrief is a very personal thing. You dealt with it in your way and should not be made to feel guilty because of this. Im sorry you lost your Gran.
ReplyDeleteSorry for your loss. I don't think anyone will judge you. If they do, they are the ones in the wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. As others have said, grief is a very personal thing, as is dealing with illness. You also had to take into account how visiting may effect your girls, which was the right thing to do.
ReplyDeleteAs for the funeral, the day should be about your Grandmother not about family rifts. If you decide to go and your family decides to continue with how they reacted before then that's up to them, I'm sure you would conduct yourself with dignity. If you don't feel you can go, could you do something at home to mark the day? This is such a hard time, my thoughts are with you xx
Sorry for your loss x
ReplyDeleteOh, BNM, I am so sorry that this has left you in such turmoil. Only you and your husband can make decisions about what is right for your family. Other people, like your Dad, can advise and suggest but only you decide.
ReplyDeleteJust as only you decide about going to the funeral. For what it's worth(i.e. bugger all), I would go to the funeral. Be your mam's representative there.
No comfort for you at the moment, but after a while (measured in years and not short), you do remember the whole person in your life, not just how they were in the last days. My mother died in 2002 and, of course, I still remember her last days but I remember the best of the previous 50 years I shared with her too.
Mad x
Thank you guys for all your support - I am going after having words with my dad about not going, getting drunk and then speaking to my aunt (briefly). Tomorrow is a day I wish I could miss out on but yes I am going for my dad and my brother whose a bearer.
ReplyDeleteBNMx
So sorry for your loss - hope your grief is not complicated by more family aggro. x
ReplyDeleteBig hugs, hope it all goes OK.
ReplyDeleteOh big hug to you. What a difficult situation. I hope everything works itself out. If it's any consolation, I always felt numb after one of my grandparents died - it doesn't mean you didn't love her enough or something. It's just a way to cope with the new situation. When the memories come back, you will start to feel something again.
ReplyDeleteHey u, really sorry to hear about your Gran. At the end of the day you did what was best for you and the girl's. I wouldn't of taken the boys in your place, if that's any comfort. Wish I had of known and been there for u :( hope the day went as well as can be, thinking of you xx
ReplyDelete