Don't burn your bridges
This is what I know I have done.
On Monday morning I got a phone call that left me cold inside. My Dadcu (grandpa) had died in the early hours of the morning.
Now just over 2 years ago, I wrote a post about the day my Mamgu died and the way the family issue was. Things haven't really improved since then. The day I turned up to her funeral was the worst day ever because he shouted at me and said "So,you've turned up then - bit late now!" and I was.
The things is I also still am, I never went to visit him in the 2 years between his wife's death and his own. And why, well I was scared. Scared of the shouting and the anger. Scared of knowing that I look like his daughter (my mother) so much that he would get confused over who I was. Scared of apologising and for the apology to be thrown back at me.
This time, I am acting more like a grown up. I have spoken to and sent cards to both my aunts and will attend the funeral with Neb on Friday. But I am still scared as there will be people there who will judge me. I'm also numb at losing him - he was such a great man in my life when I was younger and I know I let him down and now there is nothing I can do to make up for it.
BNM
Sending you the biggest hug and wanting to say sorry for your loss. I don't know the ins and outs of it all, but please be gentle with yourself. Sometimes we are only able to love people from a distance, and I think that is okay. Sometimes people are to prickly to get right up close, and I also think all relationships take two to make it work.
ReplyDeleteOh BNM! I'm so sorry for your loss! If you can go, and feel up to it, you should. Do not worry about what "they" may think. Go for yourself and remember and celebrate the man that you loved. Hugs, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs to you, and sorry for your loss
ReplyDeleteoh poor you, such an awful situation but one that is so very easy to get into, I haven't seen my granparents on my dads side for such a long time, I know I should but things come up, they are both old and haven't alot of time left, when I do go, like you with your Gran feel so terribly sad at how they are not at all the people I have such memories off growing up. My children have only seen them a hand ful of times because like you I do not wish to throw old age and death at them.
ReplyDeletemy mums side granparents also are not great health wise and althought i do see them as much as possible, and I love them dearly, family frictions between my mum and them, my sister and them cause all sorts of upset and it scares me to imagin how things will be at their funerals, i hope when they do pass away everyone holds back their gudges and lets them rest in peace, but I really don't think that will happen and I will be caught in the middle and it makes me so sad to think they will not be remembered for who they are, but for the trouble over the last few years. Please go to the funeral with your head held high, and try not to let yourself feel like you let your Grandpa down, because even with heated words after your Granmas passing and the upset about it all, I'm sure he too had very fond memories of you and he will be at peace now x