Bugger it

Tonight this is not a good post.

This is a woe is me and why does this have to happen post.

Last Friday, I rang a friend who I hadn't spoken to for ages, lets call her Bony.

I rang, she burst into tears. Never a good start to the conversation!

I asked her what the matter was, and she told me that she couldn't say. I bullied and cajoled it out of her and she told me not to cry but her mum has cancer. SHIT. We cried a bit together on the phone and then she apologised for telling me, apologised that it would bring up bad memories for me.

I was on the phone for over 3 hours (but 2 if Neb asks you!). We cried together, we laughed together (her mostly at me talking from the distance while weeing and pulling my trousers up and the time I said that I was civilised and that I was drinking my cider from a glass!)

I rang her again tonight, knowing that her mum had had a scan on Tuesday. The prognosis, still unknown apparently. They aren't sure if her mum has Liver Cancer or if its Breast cancer spread to the liver - what mum had.

I can feel my mum through her mum's reactions. I've been there, done that and not wearing the tshirt thank you very much. I can remember the stubbornness in my mother's voice as she recounts what her mum said.

I don't want her to go through this, to fear the unknown - of losing her mother. She said that her mum wasn't herself, wasn't her and I couldn't say anything but know.

I remember the feeling and its not one I want her to go through - but that is it, it will happen, you can't live with liver cancer it kills you. And it will kill Bony's mum and it will kill Bony. The crying and the tears will never stop and I don't want this to happen. If I could do anything to take it away, I would but I can't.

There have been friends before whose parents have suffered cancer, some have died but many have survived. I don't want this for her. My Bony, my friend suffering from grief, from over caring, from the "well its going to happen and I can do fuck all about it!".

I even in my tragedy of tears last Saturday, emailed Neb's mum and asked her to pray for her, to pray that the inevitable won't happen. Me, who is unsure about the whole there being a God thing.

As I said, this isn't a good post. So, I don't want hugs and loves, I just want it to go away. I don't know that even now, after so many years have passed whether I want to live it all again.
But I know I will, I'll be her rock, her hope, her cry buddy and I will survive it. Cancer, it may kill  but it can't take away your friendships.

BNM